The Silent Attraction Dilemma
There’s been this unresolved attraction between me and a friend for a while now. Nothing acted on, nothing confessed—just one of those silent undercurrents that sits in the background. I never planned to do anything about it, and honestly, I thought I had it under control. Then the other night, we all gathered at his house. He brought his girlfriend along, and that’s when guilt crashed in like an uninvited guest. Desire vs. Love that is the question.
I suddenly felt like the traitor in the story—the villain of my own movie. Traitor to my values, to my partner, even to his girlfriend (who, to make things worse, is genuinely kind and someone I like). And, oddly enough, I even felt a bit betrayed by him, because somewhere in my unconscious I’d apparently been holding onto this fantasy of an unspoken complicity between us. Spoiler: not real.
So I did what I usually do when I get tangled in my own contradictions: I went home, spiraled into guilt, questioned my entire moral compass, and—armed with introspection, books, random articles, and yes, AI—set out to figure out what on earth was happening. (Because why suffer quietly when you can overanalyze with style?)
Thoughts as Weather, and the Question of Who I Am
Somewhere along that journey, I stumbled on a realization: I am not my thoughts.
Thoughts are like weather—they come and go, sometimes bright, sometimes stormy. I don’t always control their arrival, but I can choose which ones to feed and which to let pass if I’m aware enough. That insight was liberating… until it opened a bigger can of worms: If I’m not my thoughts, then who am I? And who exactly is the one making decisions here?
I wish I could give you a polished, spiritual TED-talk-worthy answer. But honestly, I don’t know. Some traditions call it consciousness, others the observer, others the self beyond the self. I like to keep it open-ended. Maybe the point isn’t to solve it, but to keep asking. I’ll leave that one with you.
The Tug-of-War Between Desire and Values
What became clearer to me is this: what hurt wasn’t just the attraction, it was the collision between desire and values . One side of me craves mystery, risk, the electric jolt of validation. The other side longs for safety, trust, and the deep comfort of stability.
Desire and love run on different operating systems. Desire thrives on uncertainty and space. Love craves closeness and certainty. When they share the same stage, things get messy.
And it’s not just me. It turns out that this amazing writer and couples therapist, Esther Perel, has study this subject with so many couples.
She assures that many of us want both (most of us): the safety of being chosen and the thrill of not being
sure if we’ll be chosen, we want safety, but adventure, mystery but trust, and we want all from the
same person! She writes and talks about it so articulately, it’s just beautiful to hear her, so I let you an amazing TED talk from her here so you can hear her too:
What Relationship Experts Say: Esther Perel’s Insights
Over time, safety grows in relationships, but the thrill tends to fade—unless we learn how to spark it again
Mystery Inside Stability
The hopeful part is that stability doesn’t have to kill mystery. They can dance together if we’re intentional. Small surprises, playful twists, leaving space for the unknown—all these can keep desire alive without sabotaging trust. And sometimes, yes, fantasy itself can play a role, so we don’t end up outsourcing all our longing to people outside the relationship.
Closing Thought
So am I the storm of attraction? The compass of my values? The observer watching both? Maybe all of them, maybe none. What I do know is that desire and love will keep tugging me in different directions—and maybe the real work isn’t about picking one, but learning to weave them together into something more complex, more honest, and definitely more human.
What do you think: can desire and a long lasting love relationship coexist?